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In the magazine store, you can find all the weird flaws on the back that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some call it “filler”; we prefer “a full page to make terrible jokes tangentially related to the contents of the magazine”.
We don’t have any pages on the internet, but we still love horrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-normal feature back page. Today we revolve around predictions that will absolutely not come true in the coming E3 days …
It’s almost E3 time, although (to us anyway) it feels like it’s been ten thousand years. We had our fun predicting things last week, but now it’s time to really let off the E3 steam with our back page predictions. If any of this comes true, we’ll eat our hat (which, for the record, is one of those old-fashioned journalist hats with the word PRESS on it).
All right, let’s go!
The sequel nobody asked for
Nintendo
KATE: I’ve played The House In Fata Morgana a lot, so I’ll be with “The caravan in Fata Morgana“.
RYAN: Just imagine Babyz 6. And yes, there were actually five games in the Imagine series about babies, including Babyz fashion and Babyz 3D.
TOM: Mario Kart Wii HD. Be honest, it wasn’t the best series, we just had fun playing around with the gimmick of the Wii Wheel.
GAVIN: Switch music, someone? Someone? Hello? Oh.
Worst celebrity cameo
KATE: Gwyneth Paltrow is called on stage to promote the new Ring Fit X goop adventurewhere to put the Joy-Cons in a jade egg, and you will know the rest.
RYAN: Jedward is drafted to crack bad jokes, walk through a forest and promote the latest Dragon Quest game. Oh wait, this actually happened.
TOM: Nintendo UK hasn’t visited Ant and Dec in a while, it’s time.
GAVIN: The entire Friends cast went out to play Wii Sports: The reunion. Joey takes lunges: the internet is going mad. Then he crosses his arms: Internet is dying.
Nintendo kills another beloved character
KATE: Geoff Keighley is burned at the stake, live on air. It’s very sad, but we have to make the ritual sacrifice to summon Kojima’s next game.
RYAN: Isabelle. Slaughtered. Path. Lots of tears.
TOM: Paolo from Animal Crossing, the best character and my virtual BFF.
Another blue haired Fire Emblem character in Smash
Intelligent Systems / Koei Tecmo
KATE: My money is on Marianne.
RYAN: I don’t know any Fire Emblem characters, but the internet tells me I should be angry for them to exist.
TOM: You’re going to shock the world and choose an FE character with different colored hair.
GAVIN: You just remind me that I have to go back to Three Houses. And by ‘back to’ I mean ‘start’.
The only thing that becomes a social media meme
KATE: We see the triumphant return of Reggie Fils-Aimé disguised as Mario, who defeats Doug Bowser in a very compelling wrestling match. At the end of the match, Reggie pulls a handful of spaghetti from his pockets and tosses them into the crowd. Everyone is going wild.
RYAN: Bowser is pulling something out of his pocket, just like Reggie did on the Nintendo DS reveal, and fans think it’s the Switch Pro. It turns out it’s just an old handkerchief; a metaphor for overwhelming disappointment.
What everyone was asking for, but for some reason they are still angry about it
The Pokémon Company
KATE: Metroid 4 is announced, but everyone’s getting mad that Samus Aran now has a short haircut ready for action. This ponytail wouldn’t fly in the army.
RYAN: Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl will have a complete Pokédex / don’t have a complete Pokédex / look great / look terrible / are real reinterpretations of the base games / are not true enough to the base games / exist.
TOM: New content for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe that looks great and is a bargain price, but people are complaining that it isn’t Mario kart 9 at $ 60.
GAVIN: More games / consoles on Nintendo Switch Online. All classic video games except this and this and the other, etc.
Nintendo is hiring a new CEO named Super Mario
KATE: Brian Chain-Chomp replaces Doug Bowser, and everyone is starting to suspect that something strange is going on at Nintendo of America.
RYAN: After a change.org petition, Nintendo finally gives in, replacing Furukawa with the actual Dr. Goomba Tower from Dr. Mario World. That’s Japan and NoA below, Europe next.
GAVIN: Tony Question Block plants his angular derriere in Reggie’s old Herman Miller. He’s apparently an investor Q&A nightmare.
The next lab set
Nintendo
KATE: In keeping with the cardboard theme, Nintendo has announced that its next Labo set will be a pizza box with real grease stains. You can even get an amiibo from the little plastic table that goes in the middle to keep the cheese off the lid.
RYAN: Nintendo Labo Toy-Con 05: Money Printer Kitwhere fans can recreate all of those “It’s Printing Money” switch memes with a real, physical cardboard version of the console. Smallprint confirms it doesn’t actually print money because Nintendo has already taken it.
TOM: Connect with Konami, it’s just Snakes Box – at least as an amiibo it is compatible with Smash Bros. Ultimate.
There we have it: several very believable, absolutely real E3 predictions. We are very excited to win the Pulitzer Prize for our investigative reporting. Let us know your predictions in the comments!
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